Damn it……………..

This weekend our guard informed our house keeper that our cook was taking food out of our house – while we were out of town. Our house keeper has never complained about one thing in the entire time he has worked for us. He was visibly upset when he was telling me the news. I think I can believe him. I at least believe that he believes what he is telling us.

Now to some this will seem a ridiculous comment. They will be thinking – did you just say your guard, your house keeper, and your cook – oh bless your heart. Don’t forget you have a driver too. Poor thing.

A year ago, I would have thought the exact same thing. How can anyone complain about that much help. It is certainly hard to explain how help can be unhelpful and how it can complicate your life, rather than make it easier. I have written about it all before but it smacked me in the face again this weekend. So, lucky you – you get to hear me talking to myself about how unwonderful it can be to have all this “help”. I want to be able to remind myself later – when I am doing my own laundry – that chores really ain’t so bad.

I am partly mad at myself for buying into the fact that I “need” help. But really, it is better to have staff than not have staff. And I can convince myself I am employing people who might not otherwise have a job. It does make more sense than not. At least, most of the time.

But today we are left to decipher whether or not our cook is stealing from us or whether she had a disagreement with the guard and he is trying to get even. The guard also informed Ravi that she brought her children to our house and did her laundry while we were out of town.

If you don’t know me, you might not understand how this tears at me. Of course, if she needed to do laundry, I don’t mind her using our machine. But she never asked, she never told me she did it. It is all behind the scenes. It’s just too sneaky. And it is my home. I need to trust the people who come in and out of it everyday to be honest with me. I have also been very unsure about her honesty with the grocery money. All of the receipts are in Hindi – I don’t happen to read Hindi – so I am left to trust what she tells me they say.

But now, I must address the whole trustworthiness of our cook. I don’t think I can ignore my instincts anymore. Damn it.

She has not gotten here yet today. But when she does, she will come in and smile and say “good morning ma’am”. She has no idea that she might have been outed. And my stomach will turn over. I am dreading her walking thru the door. This is not how I wanted to spend my morning. Unsettled.

I feel that I am generous with salary and bonuses and leftovers and sick days and vacation days and I know that I am kind. And now I feel like I am being taken advantage of. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking really. When is enough simply enough?

At least 3 nights a week, our cook takes home enough leftovers to feed her family at least one meal. Does she then need to “take” milk and juice from me too. Really, when is enough simply enough?

Last month, her mother-in-law passed away. Of course, I gave her time off and the following week, she worked half days so her husband could be with his family. This past week, her grandfather passed away and again, she got time off. No questions. Do what you need to do. Today she is coming in late.

Some of you will read this post and know immediately what I have done wrong. I have not laid down the law hard enough or I have not been distant enough or whatever cure all might have worked – clearly I have not done it. But I cannot change who I am. I can’t. I won’t. I have two people that work for me who really “work” out. They don’t seem to assume anything. They seem grateful for everything. They work and they work hard. So, now I think I just have to begin my search again for the right match. I need to feel good about how I have moved thru my day. I will not change who I am – successful in dealing with staff or not, taken advantage of or not. India has changed me in a lot of ways but I do not want to harden the way I feel about the people in my life. I just will not put any more energy into someone who takes advantage of generosity. Enough is simply enough.

We are working on sorting all of this out. I don’t want to jump to conclusions or be unfair. But I have two children home from school sick today and I don’t want this to take my focus away from them. But it will and I am not that happy about it.  Damn it all.