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Yoga Anyone?

March 17, 2009

A few posts ago, I mentioned that my husband had lost some weight and that he started yoga. As if moving across the world wasn’t enough, he wanted me to try yoga too. I can now check “yoga” off my list of things I want to try – and just to be clear, it was never on the list. But this is an adventure, so sign me up. I have now participated in survived 3 classes.

We were doing classes first thing in the morning – that proved to be a little too hectic – and a little too early – I fail to see why being awake before the sun is a good approach to anything – so yesterday, we began doing classes at night. It was much better. And I really believe it helped me sleep better. Sleep has not been coming easy to me in India.

I prepared for our class by eating 4 pieces of chocolate. The Hersheys milk chocolate chunks with almonds and toffee. My own little slice of nirvana. Hey, you say yoga – I say chocolate. It’s all good.

Our instructor walks in and we sit down on the ground. And we start breathing – is this new age? People have been breathing for centuries. Okay.  I’ll be quiet. I am officially breathing. In. Out. In. Out. I think I am done here. I can breathe. In. Out.

Oh no, that is not all my little yoga friend. Stand up.

It appears that Number One Hubby and I are not exactly ready for “real” yoga because we aren’t what you would call flexible. So we are in yoga preschool and we are basically only allowed to do stretching at this point. Baby steps.

So we start off with some good old fashioned arm wind mills. One at a time. Big Circles. It is sadly not as easy as I remember it being in PE. Then we do both arms together. Then that damn instructor says the words I dread the most in yoga.

Reverse.

Bastard.

Let me just tell you that it’s not really that easy to move forward for us – yes we are out of shape – but reverse. That is a whole can of yoga kick ass.

We survived the wind mills and then do a few other standing up things.

Instructor: Lay down. Relax. Focus on your breathing.
Me:  Oh, this is my favorite part.
Instructor: Oh?
Me: Yes, relaxing.
Hubby: You are going to get us kicked out of class. SHHHHH.
Instructor: Ha Ha funny lady – you will pay for that later.

I am frankly a little nervous about upsetting him. God forbid he has a blog and writes about his “problem” students. Or even worse, he gets us in some strange position, relaxes us, and then walks out the door – leaving us to untangle ourselves. So I decide to behave as best I can.

We relax for a minute – but then the yoga game is back on. More stretching. I heard a lot of cracking and popping. I thought the kids were asleep – but who is making microwave popcorn. Silly me – that is my husband’s bones. Crack. Pop.

Seriously, it was crazy. He is a very athletic guy but apparently he has never been flexible. At all. He cannot reach past his knees when trying to touch his toes. Yoga is painful for him. But he does already feel a difference. I am constantly entertained. Yes, he surely loves that about me.

Now it’s time for the one-legged bicycle. One leg. Now the other Leg. Together. Now both legs in tandem together – knees locked together.

Reverse.

Bastard.

I know you are laughing. But get down on the floor and try it. The reverse bicycle with your legs together is not easy.

So, then we roll over on our tummys. Now I can see just how dirty the floor is. And I start wondering if the instructor would mind if I took a few notes – I am so blogging about this and I don’t want to forget anything. And I need to write a note to self – no potato chips in the family room after Ravi has swept for the day. Marble floors are not a friend to potato chip crumbs. And there is a lot of cat hair. I guess the cats are shedding. Yippee.

While still on our tummys, we are to hold our arms and legs straight out -lifted as high as we can get them and put our heads straight back. Oh, and I have another favorite word – Hold. This word can make time stand still. It has magical powers. A minute instantly becomes 5 hours. Be careful how you use it.

Then we have to hold one leg up while turning our head to the opposite side.

Instructor:  Right leg.
Instructor: Right leg.
Instructor: No really, start with your right leg.
Instructor: Your other left, please.

Okay, the whole premise behind yoga is being flexible – I say in body and in spirit – if number one hubby and I are both yoga retarded and start with our left leg, just go with it. No need to make us feel stupid – we’re just in preschool, remember? You are going to say switch in just a minute and then we’ll be busy with our right leg. During this little diddy, we put our head to the opposite side (near our armpit) and stretch. Now I find out that maybe it wasn’t just the driver who smelled a little ripe today. Hmmmm.

We do a few more stretches – some of which are hilarious but I lack the skills to adequately describe them. After I clear note taking with our instructor, I will ask if photography is allowed. And then I will get back to you. Until then, just think circus performer.

Now it is time to sit up. I have Meniere’s – I will surely bore you with the details of that little adventure in another post – but suffice it to say that my inner ear is out of whack. I get a mad headache when I sit up from these laying on the ground stretches and I feel very nauseous.

Luckily we are almost done. A few more breathing exercises and we can go to bed. So for our last breathing exercise, we hold our fingers over one side of our nose and breath in. Then we close off that side and breath out the other side. Then Reverse. And Repeat. Reverse. Repeat. Reverse. Repeat. Yes, “repeat” is important with breathing. See I am learning something.

This is either preparing us for some serious drug use – or clearing our minds and souls. I am sure it is the latter – but I have never snorted anything through my nose but nasal sprays  – so it seems a little strange to me.

I think I might start my own form of yoga – how does this sound –

You lay in a lounge chair – perhaps with a pillow
You close your eyes so you do not see dirt or cat hair
You let your lungs and nose do what they were meant to do – all on their own
You stretch to the right – or left – and you pick up a frozen drink
You slowly bring the straw to your lips
Repeat
No need to reverse
Just repeat, repeat, repeat.
If you must have something spinning – twirl that pretty umbrella that comes in the drink.

Yoga did help me get a better night’s sleep – it has helped me realize how sadly out of shape I am – it makes my muscles quiver – and it makes me nauseous. So I will be doing it again on Thursday.

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21 Comments leave one →
  1. March 21, 2009 11:51 pm

    Kristie – hey girl – welcome to my little blog world – how can you not repeat when it is the yummy chocolate with the toffee and almond nuggets??? 🙂

  2. Kristie permalink
    March 21, 2009 11:39 pm

    I am thrilled that you say chocolate. No reverse here either – no need to relive the skinny model days – just repeat.

  3. March 19, 2009 9:53 pm

    Tottsmom – if you come to India – we will do the frozen yoga together – maybe we can start a class.

    Rhonda – you crack me up!

  4. Rhonda P permalink
    March 19, 2009 4:31 pm

    Hysterical!!!!!!!!!

    I am also doing yoga….not very well mind you….so I could totally relate to what you were saying, and it made me smile!!! 😉 Stick with it!! I just wish I had an instructor that came to my house……for me, if I get too frustrated, I just turn the DVD off!!! That’s not good!!!

  5. Tottsmom permalink
    March 19, 2009 10:21 am

    OK, I’m all in for frozen drink yoga. Somehow my life has landed me in the middle of a bunch of tea tottelling(not sure if that is a word) friends. I love them all but every once in a while I would not mind somebody offering me a drink and NOT meaning water. I’ll check out the local rec center for times for pre-school yoga, a new session should be starting soon.

  6. March 19, 2009 8:53 am

    @ areason2write – as Peter Sellers would say…I knew zat! I merely wasn’t aware ZIS could be used to mean ZAT!

  7. March 19, 2009 7:58 am

    Lola – I am a little ADD with possible alzheimers mixed in – so focus is hard for me – and I way dumb down the class!

  8. March 19, 2009 12:12 am

    Oh, my! I loved yoga, but I can’t stand to do it in a class. Too boring waiting for you unflexible people 😉 Plus, if you tell me to clear my mind, guess what, I’m thinking about how annoying that is.

    So, I just do some of the simple poses, stretching and breathing on my own before bed. It really does help.

    Stick with it!

  9. March 18, 2009 10:57 pm

    Tottsmom – Oh I think you should try it – you probably would find it helps your back – just go to preschool yoga first. And maybe drink a frozen drink before you go.

    Kathleen – my husband definitely thinks it helps him – I am mostly being a smart arse – except for the whole being dizzy thing – it is relaxing – I just like to entertain myself – hee hee

    Linda – you are signed up!

    Loco – Oh, you really should try it – I think you would like it! Just remember baby steps.

    CanIRemain – I really need to revisit my Hindi lessons – I was sure yoga translated into chocolate. LOL. Thanks for the details!

    Josie – 😎

  10. CanIRemainUnknown permalink
    March 18, 2009 10:19 pm

    Hilarious post, you write so well! you really are gifted.
    Yoga as we know today is a physical exercise, but the founders of yoga meant it to be a means for something higher. The name itself ‘yoga’ is derived from ‘yog’ which means sum or combination. So yoga was meant to be a means to combine the aatma (spirit) with paramaatma (god, or supreme spirit). I think if you look at it from this preservative you will be able to endure the cyclings etc. much better! If you have a good teacher you will see results in concentration, inner peace etc. and not just in your flexibility.
    I learnt it in school, our school would alternate between PT and yoga when we were in 6,7 & 8 grade.
    Its always so much interesting to see you trying new things, especially Indian things. To hear your prespective, its like you live in my city but have such a different take on it!

  11. March 18, 2009 8:15 pm

    So very funny! I recommend that you follow your instructors yoga with your own version with the frozen drink. Could make for quite the nice evening with hubby.

  12. March 18, 2009 8:11 pm

    Hilarious!!!
    I was thinking about joining a Yoga class too…now, well, now I’m still thinking about it, with a new wrinkle, hehehe

    Reverse
    Bastard
    LMAO
    Loco

  13. Linda permalink
    March 18, 2009 1:01 pm

    Sign me up for the lounge chair yoga class and bring on that pretty umbrella drink!

  14. Kathleen permalink
    March 18, 2009 12:36 pm

    I hope you continue to enjoy your yoga! I have been doing yoga now for 9 years and it really does help me feel centered and focused and helps to relieve my stress. I hope it can help you like it does me.

    I don’t know if they told you, but not eating 2-3 hours before yoga is beneficial. I know there have been some times where I have had a late lunch at work and then I end up feeling really ill during yoga! I would think a small snack does no harm, but know I big meal makes me very uncomfortable.

    plus the more I do yoga, the more I appreciate my body, like how wonderful it is to be able to move and bend and support you (i read in a magazine that yoga increases self esteem and raises body image, and I know it has in my case)

    have fun!

  15. Tottsmom permalink
    March 18, 2009 12:18 pm

    I was thinking of taking a yoga class. The begining kind. Now, not so much. I have always been very flexible, up until a few years ago when I hurt my back. (And it had NOTHING at all to do with me showing off to my then four year old how to do a back bend, at least that is what I keep trying to tell myself.) Now the pain is pretty much an everyday thing. I thought yoga might help. Maybe in the fall, when all the kiddos are in school full time. 🙂

  16. March 18, 2009 11:02 am

    Enchanted – Hi and welcome – yes we breathed thru the left side first. We were not allowed to jerk our tummy because we had eaten not too long before – I did not miss that part – thanks for commenting – I always love to know who is lurking – and I do like yoga – I just find some of it funny – I am sure my body will realize the benefits soon enough – if nothing else, I get to be a smartarse. hee hee

    Deep – smelly

    Jurate – power yoga is certainly not in my future – I am such a beginner.

    Girlsmom – we might as well try new things – it is nice that it comes to our house – I think we will continue it – especially since we moved to nite – it’s a nice way to end the day~

  17. Girlsmom permalink
    March 18, 2009 10:29 am

    I love how you are trying to experience it all over there. Personally, I am very jealous about the personalized yoga that comes to your home. I hope that you will begin to love it, if not you will know you gave it a good try.

  18. March 18, 2009 4:06 am

    This was hilarious!!! 😀 And I can imagine myself in your place. I’ve never been that flexible as well… I go for so called “power yoga” classes now, but it’s just plain aerobics/cardio. So I am still not flexible 😉

  19. March 18, 2009 3:59 am

    Ripe?!

  20. March 17, 2009 11:58 pm

    hello there.. i have been lurking for a while.. first time commenting…

    So i see that you had a really funny experience at Yoga but being someone who started it a little later ( when i was over 25 yrs old) in life i can say it is very important to take baby steps at everything in yoga. For example if you start Kapalbhaati (breathing out with a jerk to your tummy), which is a form of pranayam or breathing exercise as you would call it, too rigorously then you may develop high blood pressure problems. I didn’t dare to validate this, but simply followed my instructor’s instructions to take it slow.
    And i am not sure if there was a reason behind starting with right leg but in some exercises, which side you begin is important. Like the breathing in and out from alternate nostrils that you did, should be started by inhaling from left.There is some science behind it. Coz left nostril cools the body temperature and right raises it. In a healthy person the breathing alternates between nostrils about every two hours which helps maintain the optimum body temperature.

    Hope you have more fun at Yoga.

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